Keep Breathing
by Yvanna Silverstream
Summary: Other people see Tali Surana as a hero, an icon, not as a person. She realizes she cannot be both. Can she live up to a myth, alone?
1. Commander of the Grey, well sort of

Hello! This is my first attempt for a real fanfic, so be gentle please^^ This is set during Awakening, as you've probably guessed, I have no idea how often I'll be able to update this, considering exams are on the way and all, but I'll do my best. Reviews are welcome, they always fuel the writing machine^^

Enjoy!

Two years ago, if anyone would have told Tali Surana that she would become the Commander of the Grey in Ferelden, she would have laughed in their face and told them to go Tranquil themselves. However, as we all know, things change. Could she have told that, helping her best friend escape a fate worse than death would result in her being recruited into the Grey Wardens? That the man she met that day would be the one to help her escape from the clutches of Kinloch Hold? That she and only one other, would survive the great massacre of Ostagar? That, mere days after being recruited, she would set out to raise an army, to stop a Blight? That she would find herself holding Andraste's ashes, witness to things most people consider a myth? That she would watch the man she had come to love, a king, no less, sink his blade in the Archdemon's skull and end his own life along with the Blight? No, most certainly not.

Yet here she was; an hour's ride from Vigil's Keep. Her company had changed slightly since the days of the Blight. Each of her companions went their separate ways. But she had remained, alone with her duty. When the letter from Wiesshaupt arrived, proposing to her the post of Warden Commander of Ferelden, it was a mercy. It meant she could finally leave the life at the palace behind and start anew. The Tali Surana the Circle of Magi raised was gone. Not even Alistair or Zevran would be able to recognize her now. She'd made sure of that. Her once short chopped, childishly braided red hair was now a waist length dark waterfall. Through an illusion spell she had performed her eyes were no longer calm olive green but had turned to a summer-sky blue. It was a combination she loathed, she felt like a spoiled nobleman's daughter, but chose exactly because of this. Because the Tali they knew would never change the way she looked, and that Tali was no more. No one but Wynne and Leliana knew her new appearance; they had helped achieve it after all. True to their word they had told no one. All Zevran had seen was another elven servant walking out the gates of the palace. She prayed to the Maker it would stay that way.

Her blood began to stir. A small discomfort at first, that burned by the time they arrived to the keep. Darkspawn; that much was certain, a whole mass of them. In the Keep? Tali stopped, drawing out her staff and signaling to Mhairi, her guide, to do the same.  
'Darkspawn, up ahead.' Mhairi nodded, albeit rather confused. Meanwhile questions raced through Tali's mind; what were the darkspawn doing here? And how had they managed to infiltrate the keep? The blight was over, they were supposed to retreat to the Deep Roads, not overrun the Vigil. And how in the blighted pit does one answer all these questions covered in entrails in the middle of an onslaught?

'Right. Focus!' she mentally berated herself while raining down fire on a group of shrieks.

'We have to open that gate! There's no telling who might have survived!'

Tali hesitated; five shrieks were assaulting Mhairi, and though she looked like the most confident person ever to walk the earth, she doubted she could hold out forever. Hastily, she threw a lifeward on the assaulted warrior, silently thanking Wynne for teaching her a few tricks. Better to be safe than sorry.

The doors to the lower battlements were barely holding in their abused hinges. The stench of burning flesh that was ebbing from the inner hallways could be picked up a mile off. A shuddering feeling raked at Tali's senses; mana was being used nearby. Holding her staff ready she drew in a final breath of fresh air before taking a sprint down the hallway.

She froze in her tracks almost as soon as the narrow passage gave in to a larger room. Someone was merrily burning down darkspawn with their bare hands. As far as she knew, there were only two mages back at the Circle cocky and arrogant enough to attempt that, one of them being her. Said someone turned around and her breath caught in her throat; so much for severing ties.

'I... uh, didn't do it.'

She gaped at him. Was he out of his mind? What sane person would not take credit for killing darkspawn? She eyed the pile of corpses built up behind him. Amidst the gore, drifting entrails and scorched flesh, she faintly made out the image of the Sword of Mercy engraved on a steel breastplate. Oh, that.

'Don't take me wrong though, I'm not too broken up about them dying. Biff here made the funniest gurgle when he went down.' She snorted at that. No kidding.

'Not too fond of them are you?' Better not to give him any hint that she knew him yet. Who knows, maybe the darkspawn would chew his head off and save her the trouble, although, knowing her luck, she would probably end up conscripting him. No, don't even joke about that, she chided herself.

'I know, I know. Most people enjoy being kicked in the head to wake up in the morning. Me, I;m just so picky.' she quirked her eyebrows. He actually bought it.

'You, may call me Anders, my dear lady.' He flashed her a lecherous smile that reminded her disturbingly of Zevran.

'Of course he bought it you idiot, he's probably too busy staring at your breasts to actually look at your face. Now stop acting like a drooling youth and kill something!'

Truth be told, Anders had been doing exactly that. Up to the point where a foreign imprint of magic picked at his senses. Tracing the purpose of a spell was not exactly his specialty; he would need time, and time was not a luxury he could afford. Looking at her, he had never seen her before, her demeanor however, was something vaguely familiar, but frustratingly elusive. Why couldn't he put his finger on it?

'Stop fawning over her you idiot! There's a horde of darkspawn storming the keep and all you can think about is whether you slept with her or not?'  
Meanwhile, Mhairi peeked up behind her shoulder.

'An apostate? At Vigil's Keep?' She quipped.

'Perfect timing, whoever you are.'

'Ah, you were not here when we arrived, I'm sure I would have remembered such a remarkable woman as yourself.' He flashed a toothy grin, all the while keeping an eye on the mysterious Commander. Her face was a perfectly composed mask of porcelain, but something flashed in her eyes and he could swear that, for the briefest moment, their color changed. A-ha! Progress! Jealous was she?

'Look, I don't care who you are.' he winched inwardly at that. She just had to squash his ego, didn't she? 'But we don't have time for this.' She turned to leave. A miracle she didn't lock him back in his cell first really.

'True, those darkspawn don't exactly wait around, do they?' She glanced over her shoulder at that and for a moment, he thought she might reconsider her decision of not locking him up.  
'Tell you what, I'll help you, and we can discuss what comes later... later. Later, when all those darkspawn are properly put down. Hm?' He winked at her.

She turned around, her face blank. Suddenly there was a big lump in his throat. Was he really so afraid of a slender little elfling that barely came up to his shoulder? Slender little frighteningly icy little elfling for what it's worth but...

'Stop being such a drooling lecher...' She frowned, but nodded.

'Fine, just keep an eye out for survivors, and watch our backs.' not entirely an unattractive prospect, if he was honest with himself.  
Tali still found it a miracle how she was able to pay attention to everything, while also thrashing out spells. Anders' presence and healing talents changed their tactics. Now that someone else handled healing she could focus on damage more. Or unleash focus, as the case was with elemental magic, since there was nothing precise about setting things on fire or freezing an entire area into a block of ice. Months of pent up frustration transmuted into raw power almost doubling her reserves. Pure fury fueled her every spell. Suddenly, Anders wasn't exactly keen on getting on her bad side. It threw him entirely of kilter, how such a temper could come from such a fragile little thing. Somewhere between terror and awe, he found it severely endearing. Wait, what?

'Ow! Anders! Some focus here please?' Mhairi yelled indignantly, snapping is mind out of his musing.

'Right, they're counting on you you idiot!' he mentally berated himself.

The library was a mess, in short. Oddly enough, a trail of fresh kills littered the floor and sounds of some nasty combat could be heard from a good distance away. The last bloody person in the whole wide world she expected to see here was Oghren. Disturbingly, she was also glad to see him. One seasoned warrior as a friend was not a bad thing to have.

'Well fart me a lullaby! I follow the screamin' and sure as hell, here ya' are!' The stench of ale followed him wherever he went. She grinned.

'Glad to see you too, Oghren.'

'I find that hard to believe.' Disgust tinged Anders' voice. She shot him a look, right before shrugging. There was nothing to be done really, Oghren was just... Oghren.

'As do I.' She had to sympathize with Mhairi. Oghren's charm was something... shocking to say the least for the uninitiated.

'Ah, here's the recruit with the great rack! And who's the mage? New boyfriend? Should I er... leave you two alone?' Tali shot him an exasperated look. Luckily, Anders was sharp enough to deflect.

'Wow, a dwarf that smells like a brewery! You don't see that anywhere!'

'Huh, a mage comedian. I thought those normally died young.'  
Tali tapped the floor with her staff impatiently.  
'Er... guys, time!' She pointed to the door exasperatedly.

'Right, let's go introduce some darkspawn arses to my foot! Only polite thing to do.'

It was surprising how well the four of them worked together. Mhairi kept them at bay while Oghren chopped them to pieces. She and Anders were throwing spells at anything that made it past the front lines, all the while keeping shields up on their companions. The halls were swiftly relieved. What was even more surprising was the number of survivors. Every stock room, larder or storage room contained four or five people, women and children too. She hoped to save everyone who could be saved. Apparently, so did Anders.

She watched as he scrambled his way through a makeshift barricade (made of glass shards, of all things) and then emerge with a little girl in his arms. The image was... interesting to say the least. Anders crawled out of the formerly barricaded room, holding the child, all small and bloody cuts. The poor frightened little thing clung to him like a last lifeline, her arms wrapped about his neck in a death grip. Even when the nearby area was relatively safe, she refused to let go of her savior. Exhausted as he was, Anders slumped down against the wall, cradling the terrified child in his arms, murmuring things to her only she could hear. It was only then that Tali managed to take a good look at the girl; beneath the layer of dust and debris in her hair, she could see a streak of brilliant blonde. At some point she even caught a glimpse of amber eyes. Anders managed to coax the child into letting go of him. A dark red stain could be seen on the girl's leg. Gently, Anders set her down on the floor, stretching her leg to get a better look at it. The small pained whimpers she made almost broke her heart. There was a shard of glass lodged in her leg.

'Hey now,' Anders gripped her chin, gently raising her face so she could face him. 'I'm gong to take this out now. I need you to be brave, alright?' She nodded, and bit her lip when Anders wrenched the shard out of her leg. His other hand had been glowing a calming blue-white light. Soft tendrils of magic coiled around her leg, stopping the bleeding and knitting the flesh. The little girl let out a small sigh of relief when she realized she was able to stand again. There was a look of tenderness in Anders' eyes when he looked at her that she didn't recognize. Would anyone else have looked at them now, in another time, another place, they might have believer the child was his.

Tali shook her head at the thought. Anders? With a child of his own? That bastard would sacrifice his own flesh and blood to a maleficar if it would save his hide! Yet there he was, helping her. Who was this man?

Reluctantly, the girl released her hold on him. She scurried back to her parents, but not before placing a kiss on Anders' stubbed cheek, which, consciously or not, caused a warm, genuine smile spread across his face. He must have felt her staring, because the moment he turned towards her, his smile turned back into his trademark smug smirk.

'Shall we get a move on, Commander?' He was toying with her, taunting her, daring her to hate him. Tali swallowed the almost painful urge to blast his head clean off his shoulders. No, she would not give him the satisfaction. She was not some eleven year old whose braids he had just pulled at. She was the Commander of the Grey, The Hero of Ferelden. She was an icon, and she had to act like one. With a steel cold determination and a porcelain composure, she turned around and walked away, leaving Anders pouting for an answer.

'Alright Miss I'll-freeze-you-to-death, you've won this battle, but the war isn't over yet.' He smirked at all the other not-so-innocent things he would to to her given the chance. 'Things are about to get interesting. Very interesting.'


	2. Sticking around for more

By the time the Keep had been cleared of darkspawn, the rain had also stopped. From the very top of the battlements, she could see the whole valley below, and beyond, to the plains, to the horizon. The wind kept blowing after the storm; blowing the clouds away. From underneath the gray blanket, some renegade rays of the setting sun greeted her, bathing her in the red light. Maker knew she had seen more than enough red. A red sun setting beneath the horizon only served to remind her how much blood lay unwashed on her hands. She leaned on her staff and closed her eyes, allowing the wind to sweep away any worry from her face, if only for a moment.

Everybody was relatively unhurt, well, except Mhairi who had taken the worst of it. Only flesh wounds, mostly, and Anders was more than prepared for that. What he wasn't prepared for, was seeing her, standing on the edge, leaning on her staff, with the wind blowing in her face, setting free her loosely braided hair; as the light set on her, anything about her icy demeanor seemed to melt away, enfolded in a warmer blanket, but still divine in its own way. Her stance loosened, a more fragile side of her emerging. Anders' jaw almost dropped and he was fairly sure that he was about to end up a stain on the floor if she caught him gawking at her like that. Not that there was anything he could do precisely. He almost jumped out of his skin when Oghren shook his shoulder.

'Don't even think about it son.' the dwarf growled. Anders had to admit that, despite being somewhere between drunk and stoned, the dwarf still managed to look like he could rip him in half with little strain. He swallowed down the shiver that threatened to turn his skin to goosebumps and decided to play innocent.

'About...?' Surely the dwarf was drunk enough **not** to notice, right? Right?!

'She's not some sodding nug-roast you can drool over, and I ain't saying it for her sake, I'm saying it for yers. She'll turn ye to dust if you prod yer nose where it doesn't belong. I just thought ye might want to keep yer stones where they are.'

Anders snorted; a rather impressive speech for wasted dwarf. _But what if he was right?_ He swallowed the thought, she wouldn't... would she? Naturally, such an indication of her temper would drive him away from any woman, no matter how beautiful, that coupled with her performance in battle, made for a rather deadly combination.

The wise decision would be to disappear. Fast. As in now. Right now.

'Commander, we have company.' the senechal called.

Her eyes shot open, their normal blue golden from the sunlight, and stared down at the valley below. She suppressed a groan as a royal escort led Anora towards the keep. That snake of a woman was the last eligible heir to the throne Ferelden had left. Tali had been forced to acknowledge her as queen. Nothing had disgusted her more than that coronation ceremony, and nothing saddened her heart more than the knowledge that Alistair should have been the one to stand on the throne, not the viper.

She grudgingly bowed before Anora, as did everyone else. She had no interest in dealing with the woman and so asked the senchal to fill her in on the situation. She needed to deal with Anders. Send him away, or **something**! A childhood crush that could still make her skin crawl was definitely **not** something she needed right now, never mind how much her body screamed at her that she did in fact need a distraction. She would not make the same mistake twice. She grabbed him by the arm and turned to leave when a female voice shrieked from between the ranks.

'Your majesty, beware! That man is a dangerous criminal!' the woman's face was red with anger. The armor she wore made it clear she would have ripped Anders apart with her own hands had Anora not been there. Tali swallowed down hard, this was bad indeed. Anora raised an eyebrow, but remained silent, obviously waiting for the templar to make her case.

'This is an apostate who we were in the process of bringing back to the Circle to face justice!' Tali winced inwardly. _No, no, no, not this! Anything but this... I can't let __**templars**__ drag him away like some maleficar..._

Anders narrowed her eyes at her, but she felt his grip tightening on her forearm, mirroring her own gesture. If there were no templars threatening them, she might have even felt odd.

'Oh please, the things you people know about justice would fit into a thimble—I'll just escape again anyhow!'He held his chin up, defiant as ever.

The woman's eyes looked as if they were about to pop out of her head as she glanced at their hands.

'Never! I'll see you hanged for what you've done here, murderer!'

'Murderer? But those templars were--- Oh what's the use.' He wrenched his hand free of hers, briefly casting her an apologetic look. 'You won't believe me anyhow.' He looked broken, hopeless. Tali sighed; conscription really was the only way.

'It seems there is not much to be said.' Tali straightened at that, replacing mercy with the mantle of the Warden Commander of Ferelden, and shot Anora an icy look. _I put you on the throne you bitch. _The queen flinched visibly under her gaze. _Good. She remembers then. _

'U-unless you have something to add, Commander?'

Tali smiled, meeting the templar's exasperated gaze.

'I do. I hereby conscript this mage into the Grey Wardens.' Maker it felt good to do that.

'What?! Never!' She looked absolutely scandalized; Tali had to bite the inside of her cheek to suppress a giggle. She could actually feel Anders' eyes boring holes through her as he gaped at her.

'I believe the Grey Wardens still retain the right of conscription. I will allow it.'

'Thank you, you Majesty.' Tali bowed, allowing herself a short grin as her head dipped from view. _Good, impending murder avoided, now let's get rid of him too._

She grabbed him by the collar and dragged him away from the others, rather harshly. If he noticed or not, Anders was in no position to complain. What he found most interesting was that he was liable to be dragged around by a little elf half his size. That surely was worth being dumbfound over.

'Look, I don't need you here. I know I conscripted you, but that doesn't mean you have to stay. So just go!'

He blinked. What? Go..? As in **go**?

'Then... why did you bother at all?' Weird that he only thought of that now.

'To save your sorry arse, like I always do, you idiot!' She blanched, as soon as she realized what she had said. _Nice move..._

Anders stared at her, for what seemed like ages. At first, the words didn't register, enraptured as he was by her eyes. In her fit of rage, her eyes shifted from crystal clear blue, to olive pale green. He blinked several times, thinking he may have mistaken them in the first place, but one blink of her eyes later, they were back to their normal blue. Where had he seen those eyes before...?

She closed her eyes, sure she was some interesting shade of crimson right now. Taking a deep breath, she turned away and marched back towards the keep, leaving Anders staring into noting, with his mind leering.

The keep was busier than she thought, after such an attack. There were servants bustling everywhere and the senechal wasted no time in assaulting her with all the duties she needed to attend to, one of which was conducting the Joining. She groaned mentally. _Not now... too much death for one day, thank you very much._

'Varel, please, not right now, allright? There are a lot of wounded people that need my help and since I'm the only mage capable of healing around here, I need to attend to them first. The Joining can wait until tomorrow.

'But Commander—'

'Tomorrow, Varel, tomorrow.'

She sighed; there was nothing worse than healing when you were already exhausted. She was surprised she could still stand. The scene with Anders replayed in her head over and over. The look on his face.... Maker how could she have been so stupid and reckless! Losing her concentration, letting her spell slip through her fingers and her eyes change right in front of him. He had seen it, she could tell from the way he had looked at her. Whether he remembered or not, she could not say. It was only a matter of time though, and the more of that time was spent with her, the clearer it would become.

She could not have been more relieved that she had sent him away.

The infirmary was a hellhole. The temperature rose abruptly as she entered the small room. The stench of blood filled her nostrils immediately, as the festering wounds tormented the soldiers to no end. Too few people were tending to them, and none of them with the skills to effectively cure them.

She reached her pouch for her last lyrium potion and started with the first soldier she could reach. The poor lad was delirious from blood loss. Gently, she placed her hands on both sides of the man's head, forcing him to look her in the eye as her spells healed the deep gash on his forehead.

'Shh... It will be alright.' She placed her free hand over his eyes, until his breathing slowed and deepened.

It became a routine, with every soldier. As simple as it was, Tali could feel herself gradually weakening, but she had to keep going. These men did not deserve to die for her mistakes. After a while, she began to hurt all over. As she stood next to another wounded man, her knees began to give in, her eyelids began dropping. Leaning on the bed for support, she closed her eyes to try and gather her thoughts.

Gently, without warning, she felt arms gently enfolding her and scooping her up. Opening her eyes, she was met with an all too familiar amber gaze.

'I thought I told you to go away.' she murmured, far too tired to protest in any other way as he gently laid her in a spare bed.

'So, you did. But you're not getting away from me that easily, _Commander_.' He drew out the word lazily, taunting her.

'You conscripted me, now you're stuck with me.' he grinned at her, perhaps slightly more lecherously that necessary. Not that she was in any condition to notice. She struggled to find her words through the fog clouding her thoughts.

'Why...?' was all she managed.

'Oh I don't know, killing darkspawn for a living does sound like a lot more fun than running from the Circle my entire life.'

Giving up, she simply nodded, allowing her eyelids to close.

In truth, Anders had only told her half a reason. The other half was that he was now certain that he knew her, and also that she knew him and she was hiding it, and he had a nagging feeling that he would regret it his entire life if he didn't stick around to find out why.

* * *

So here it is! Jesus I can't believe I got this out two _days_ before my exam... I know it's not as bright as the first one, bu I'm hoping things would improve as they go along. I'm always open for some criticism, no matter what :) so, reviews..? Pwetty please? :D:D


	3. And nothing else matters

_I want to thank all the people who passed by and read this story, those who put it on their alerts and especially those who reviewed. I couldn't believe my eyes when I noticed how many people actually liked this story. I'm soooo sorry for taking this long with this chapter (and it's not like it has the quality to compensate) but I never actually intended on continuing it; the readers however convinced me otherwise :) I'm glad you're taking the time to read this, and thank you for those who also take the time to review; It's a very good cure for writer's block! _

_Hugs to everyone,  
Yvanna_

* * *

As the first rays of dawn swept over The Vigil, pouring through the curtains of his room, Anders' eyes finally shot open. As exhausted and barely coherent as he was after his job at the infirmary had been finished, he had not been able to get a moment's rest. He had twisted and turned in his bed, dozing off and jerking awake all night long. Try as he might, he was unable to get _her_ out of his head. Whenever he closed his eyes, hers would float in front of his mind's eye; a hidden but ever-present spark of strength immersed in the calm oceans of her eyes. He groaned softly as everything flooded back into his mind; the softness of her hair, how delicate and fragile she had felt as he carried her and her scent- oh sweet Maker... her scent. Underneath the blood and sweat, she smelt of jasmine. The mere memory of her smell sent shivers down his spine. Excruciatingly familiar, yet it seemed a lifetime away.

Groaning, he ripped the sheets off himself, hauling his legs off the bed. If he lay there one more moment thinking about her he would... probably not be in any condition to make it down for breakfast. He vaguely recalled telling the seneschal - Varel, was it?- about the Commander's condition and him replying that she would be "relocated to her quarters", whatever that meant. It suddenly occurred to him that maybe he should check on her. She wasn't exactly in top condition, last he had seen of her. Maybe she was fatigued, or in pain, or... Maker knows. In a lazy haze, he threw his robes on, fumbling with the twists and wraps of the belt while aptly cursing whoever designed Tevinter Magister robes.

Silently pacing up and down the corridors of the keep, he searched for what he supposed was the master bedroom; to the victor go the spoils, right? Although it was a tedious task, considering all the doors looked pretty much the same. Just as he told himself this would be the last door, his palm brushed something on the doorknob. Looking closer, the doorknob had the Howe crest intricately carved on it. Taking the hint, he gently pushed the door open, only mildly surprised to find it unlocked.

The room was obnoxiously large, hosting a massive mahogany bed on one side of it, coupled with an Orlesian armoire, of the kind that no one is ever able to open; extravagant and utterly impractical. A vanity table and an ornately painted mirror sat opposite to the bed. On the other side there had been placed a study, surrounded by shelves that looked ready to spill out their charge at any given moment. All of it was of Orlesian design, but had the Howe crest forcefully branded upon them. The walls were decorated with intricate tapestries, mostly depicting one battle or the other.

The only reason he bothered to acknowledge any of that useless nonsense was that he simply could not spot her in the room. Suddenly feeling like an intruder, Anders turned on his heel to leave before a soft mumble from the bed caught his attention. Turning around, his eyes scoped the room again.

_'I must be imagining it...' _

But the sound repeated itself, beckoning him closer. Upon closer inspection, he could make out a small head poking out of the overwhelming red covers. He stepped closer, uncharacteristically shyly, until he could see the deep brown of her curls sprawled on the pillow beneath her, almost floating around her head like a halo. While her eyes were closed and her features lost some of their fierceness, she lost none of her beauty. If anything, she looked almost... angelic. There was still a small frown knitting her brows together; a permanent plight on her lovely face. The image tugged at something in the center of his chest. He longed to ease her burden, to take at least some of her pain and her troubles away.

Emboldened, he gently lay a hand on her forehead, brushing away a few stray curls in the process, and closed his eyes. His hand took on a cerulean glow, tendrils of magic floating around and gently enveloping her head, caressing her cheeks, her lips, brushing against her chin and then lower, along her jawline and throat until they met at the back of her neck. The air around her shimmered, before the light faded altogether. When he removed his hand, the frown was gone, replaced by a relieved expression and just a ghost of a smile that graced her lips. Immensely satisfied with himself, Anders strode away from her, only to freeze in the doorway. She was mumbling in her sleep again, and, Maker curse him, he could swear he had heard his name falling from her lips, several ties in fact.

_'Move you starstruck fool! Before she wakes up and finds you in her room!'_

_'But-'_

_'No buts! Now!'_

Shrugging off the dreadful feeling he had that he was being watched, he simply stepped out and closed the door behind him.

The moment the door clicked shut, Tali peeked an eye open, surveying the room to make sure he was gone. Sighing, she stretched, sitting on the side of the bed. She vaguely remembered the infirmary, the last memories of the day before being those of men screaming in pain and agony, the smell of blood and urine thick in the air, and a pair of hazel eyes, staring at her with the same familiar warmth that Alistair's eyes had. She shook her head, half tempted to slap herself. She shouldn't let her mind wander like that. What kind of a Commander would she be if she were unable to focus on the task at hand?

She walked over to her chest, hastily picking a set of Circle designed robes she had asked Wynne to assemble for her during the Blight. All of her robes were either made by her or bought from people who had no connection with the Circle of Magi whatsoever. After Jowan, she only trusted either of those bastards only as far as she could throw them. She wasn't about to let some drooling lunatics stop her from doing her duty; it was all she had left.

Slowly, she sat down at the vanity table, brushing her hair and staring at her reflection. She looked... way better that she felt, that was for sure. The hard lines that had begun to for on her forehead and around her eyes were a little faded than usual. The dark circles that had taken almost permanent residence under her eyes were almost gone now. She snorted. What a joke. It didn't change the way she felt. Still, if others could look and see a Commander, a hero, it would be enough for her.

_'But how did...'_ A low, dangerous growl escaped her throat. _'Anders... you fool. What are you trying to do..?'_

Unfortunately, her starved stomach reminded her exactly how ravenous she was. Well, she had to do this sooner or later.

As she reached the main hall of the Vigil, roaring laughter and horrendous sounds echoed from the larder. Not exactly sure what was happening, Tali pushed open the door an inch, to come face to face with Oghren and Anders who were stuffing their faces with anything edible on a ten yard radius. She couldn't help but grin like an idiot.

_'Those guys aren't even wardens yet!_' she laughed to herself. It only lasted a moment though, before she remembered that their Joining was scheduled today. Woefully, she grabbed a few bites of what was left, barely saying a word to them before she left to settle the details of the Joining with Varel.

Anders caught her grinning at them from the doorstep from the corner of his eye. Brief as it was, he was sure he hadn't imagined it this time. He had half a mind to turn and give her a smile and a polite '_Good morning' _but refrained, when he watched that brooding look return to her eyes. His gaze never left her as she swiftly scraped up her breakfast and hurried out the door without as much as a word to them. Curious, he turned to Oghren.

'So, you fought with her during the Blight?' he prodded carefully.

'Where are ya getting at, sparkle-fingers?' Oghren punctuated his statement with a loud belch before taking another swing of that noxious brew of his. Right, leave it to Oghren to get straight to the point.

'Well, you're supposed to know her better.'

'Hah, did anyone really, save that pike-twirler she used to roll the oats with maybe...' he just shrugged and wolfed down a large piece of mutton. Anders was cross eyed confused by now.

'Wait... what?' Oghren only laughed, clamping a beefy hand don the mage's shoulder hard enough for him to choke on the piece of bread that had the bad luck to find itself lodged in his throat at the moment.

'Ye got a lot to learn if ye're gonna stick around, sparkle-fingers.' With that, he stood up and headed for the main hall, leaving Anders choking and spitting out bits for a good minute or two before he was able to breathe again.

By the time Anders had made it to the main hall, the others were waiting. Tali had retreated to Varel's side, watching the lined up recruits with a scrutinizing gaze, as if trying to determine something. Varel, for his part, was holding a silver goblet, stamped with the blue griffin on both sides.

_'Ah.'_ he thought_ 'so that's how it'll be then?' _He attempted to conceal his fear by concentrating on Varel's words.

'Join us, brothers and sisters. Join us in the shadows where we stand vigilant. Join us, as we carry the duty that cannot be forsworn, and should you perish, know that you sacrifice will not be forgotten, and that one day we shall join you.'

Tali watched with tempered concern as Varel handed Oghren the goblet. In that second before Oghren drew the goblet to his lips, she managed to second guess her decisions a million times over.

_'What if they don't survive? What if Oghren dies? I shouldn't have let him join us. Oh, Maker what if Anders dies? I dragged him into this... And Mhairi... she's so young and eager to prove herself...'_

For a moment, she considered the possibility that Anders might try to make a run for it. Images of her own Joining flashed before her eyes, when Duncan had run Ser Jory straight through, for refusing to undertake the ritual. Her stomach churned and a bile rose in her throat at the thought of having to do the same thing to Anders. True he was a charlatan, he had used her for his own selfish purposes and left her to the wolves more than once, but back then she agreed to help him. He was still her friend. A lousy one, but still a friend.

Oghren took a sip of the goblet, swallowing and burping. Tali smiled. She might have even laughed if Anders wasn't next. She looked up at him, a glimmer of hope in her eyes as he took the cup. He didn't even look startled, in fact, he smiled at her. A genuine warm smile that, unless she was reading it wrong, held an undercurrent of gratitude.

_'Gratitude? Have you finally lost your mind Surana?'_

She had no time to think of more; Anders had swallowed his share, and his eyes glazed over as he fell backwards. She heard herself gasp, as she stretched her arms, managing to stop his head from hitting the ground. She saw the first beginnings of darkspawn nightmares in the frown on his face as she gently lay him down, not bothering to resist the temptation of brushing her fingertips against his jaw. He would live, nothing else mattered.

Mhairi however, was not as lucky.

'Maker watch over you.' Tali whispered as she closed her eyelids. _'And Maker forgive me. Her blood is on my hands.'_


	4. Vengeance for the Innocent

_I'm so glad to see people are enjoying this story! And alright you've won, I'll continue this story. Although I'm still not sure how often I'll be able to update. My muse is bitchy. As always thank you for all the people who reviewed and put this story on their alerts! This chapter is more emotionally intense than the others, therefore nothing much happens. This chapter is dedicated to lisakodysam who is a Nate fan through and through :) Thank you for giving me the little nudge I desperately needed to continue this story :)_

_Hugs,_  
_Yvanna_

* * *

She would not break down. Whatever it took, she would not, _could not_ break. She knew from the beginning that this could happen, that one of them might die, that most of them might die. She alone had survived her own Joining. That two out of three people survived this one was a small miracle in itself. Images flashed before her eyes; Anders' body twisting and contorting with pain as he clutched at his throat. Anders collapsing to the ground writhing in agony, struggling, begging for one last breath to grace his burning lungs before he...

Tali's jaw clenched in determination as she fought back the bitter tears that glazed her eyes. No. He was alive. Anders was alive. She would not cry, Maker damn it, she would not!

Soldiers had scurried in to clear the body, but she could not watch. She could not _bear_ to watch as they carried away the body of the girl that had fought beside her with so much passion and faith in her Commander and in the Wardens. She had failed her, just as she had failed Alistair. She could not bear to watch. Instead, she sat on the floor, her legs drawn beneath her, with Anders' head cradled in her lap. She could feel Oghren's eyes on her back as he bristled uncomfortably.

One of her hands was woven in his hair, absentmindedly stroking the side of his face, while the other rested lightly over his chest, right above his heart. She could feel his heartbeat fluttering erratically underneath her fingertips; the only proof she had that he was still alive, and she clung to it with all her might. She sat like that for what felt like an eternity, waiting, hoping that he would wake. She meant to ask, to see what took so long for him to wake, but found that she did not trust herself to speak.

'Commander,' Varel's voice had taken a softer tone, fatherly almost. 'we can move him to his quarters if you wish.'

It took her a moment to realize what he meant, but nodded briefly. Varel gestured towards the captain and two soldiers carried Anders away as well, with Tali following in closely from behind. Once she has seen him safely laid on his bed, his face still slightly contorted from the nightmares he surely was experiencing by now, she felt herself relax, letting out a breath she didn't even know she was holding. Sparing one last glance at the slumbering form on the bed, she left the room, closing the door softly behind her.

Suddenly, the entire Keep seemed confining. The cold stone walls were closing in on her. Tali couldn't breathe; she felt like a caged animal. She had to get out. Hurriedly making her way down the steps, she grabbed a cloak, wrapping it around her narrow shoulders. Oghren was waiting for her at the front gates. She tossed him a small grateful smile, before she gestured him to walk with her.

The tension was palpable. Oghren was looking everywhere else except at her. His gait seemed unsure, losing its usual drunken, but confident swagger. He was bristling, she realized. Oghren was not exactly the most subtle person when it came to comforting people.

'If you have something to ask, Oghren, just spit it out.' she sighed.

For a moment, he looked even more uncomfortable, if that were possible.

'Right. Er... you and sparkle-fingers there...' She laughed at that, bitterly.

'I know him from back at the Tower. We used to be... friends, I think. Although, it was a lifetime ago. I was a different person back then. I'm not sure he recognized me. Grateful too at that.' That suddenly reminded her to check her illusions, only to discover that she was still blue eyed. It became a habit. She didn't even have to think about it anymore.

'Well that's not gonna last.' he snorted. Tali shot him a scandalized look. 'What?' he shrugged. 'He ain't no sodding idiot. He'll figure it out somehow. Might as well tell him now, spare ye some yellin'.' She gulped. Truth often graced the sinner's tongue, even more often if said sinner happened to be Oghren. She knew exactly how things would turn out if she didn't tell him soon.

The moment she stepped outside, she was topped in her tracks by a soldier who looked like she would dissolve in awe when Tali approached her.

'Blimey. Commander of the Grey. Right.' Tali raised an eyebrow at that. Did she think she was some vicious creature that would swallow her whole? Maker's Breath, people really needed to learn to relax. Nothing would ever get done if everyone expected her to shapeshift into a High Dragon and burn everything in sight. Shaking off the terrifying thoughts, Tali threw her the friendliest smile she could muster before motioning her to continue whatever she had to say.

Recovering herself, the soldier seemed to remember her assignment.

'A while back they caught a thief in the Vigil. Took four Wardens to capture him. Gave one of the Wardens a black eye he did. Half joking they said he'd make a good recruit.' She seemed rather uncomfortable with the thought, but Tali's interest was piqued.

'Interesting. Anything else?'

'Should you wish to see him, the recruit—I mean the thief—is in the dungeon ser. I also have some letters for you ser.' She handed her two envelopes. 'Arrived just before you did.'

Tali tucked the envelopes in the satchel at her belt before heading to the dungeons, now simply curious about their prisoner. Oghren followed in close, as if afraid she'd slip out of his sight.

The cell guard looked beyond relieved when she had arrived.

'Ah, Commander, good thing you've arrived. This one's been locked up three nights now.' He scowled at the prisoner, who didn't even seem to notice, let alone respond. 'Good men died while he was protected in his cell.'

Tali's eyes never left the man in the cell. The only source of light in the cell was a small candle on the guard's table. In the dim light she could make out the scars and bruises on the prisoner's bare chest. He had taken a rough beating, that much was for sure, but Tali suspected there was more to him than that. His knuckles had bled, the blood now dried and hardened formed a sickening contrast with his pale skin. His whole body was a battlefield, but that paled in comparison with the murderous glare in his eyes. She expected, fear, or even resentment. In his eyes, she saw hate at its purest; _personal_ hate. She had seen it before, at Denerim, after the battle with the Archdemon. This was the look of a man who had lost everything, and blamed _her_ for it.

'Who is he?' she asked the guard, her voice little more than a whisper. She held his gaze, refusing to back down to blind hatred.

'He wouldn't give his name. All I know is that he was caught poking around the estate in the middle of the night. I'd say he was just an ordinary burglar, but it took for Grey Wardens to take him down. You best be careful Commander, whoever he is, he's no ordinary burglar, that's for sure.'

She nodded absently, casting a Stoneskin spell on herself. He would need weapons to kill her now and he had none, whereas, _she_ was a weapon. If he tried anything, he would be dead in seconds.

'Leave me to talk with him.' The cell guard nodded, not entirely comfortable with leaving his Commander alone with a possible criminal.

'As-as you wish Commander. I'll fetch the seneschal, he'll want to know what you decide to do with him.' He turned and left, locking eyes with Oghren on his way out who sent him a reassuring glance.

Tali deftly unlocked the cell door and slipped inside the cell; a gesture of good faith, before leaning back against the door, waiting for him to make his case.

The man before her slowly rose to his feet, towering over her from the shadows. Only now could she see the full extent of his wounds. His entire torso was a massive bruise, littered with scars both old and recent. Most of his ribs must've been broken, which probably made the simple act of breathing excruciatingly painful. Inwardly, her heart broke to see a man treated like this, thief or no thief, but she couldn't weaken herself by showing pity or compassion. Even so, she suspected this particular man would have none of it. Nothing but her eyes moved as she watched him slowly take a step out of the shadows and into the light, revealing his scowl.

'Well if it isn't the great hero, conqueror of the Blight and vanquisher of all evil.' Even though his voice dripped with venom and sarcasm, Tali couldn't help but smile bitterly. It's always the same.

'Aren't you supposed to be ten feet tall? With lightning bolts shooting out of your eyes?' Her smile turned wicked at that. Her eyes began to glow as tiny arcs of lightning began to cackle around her, making her hand stand on end and sizzling in the very air between them.

'Oh I can certainly do that if you wish.' she smiled almost sweetly at him as she watched his eyes widen a shade and take half a step backwards.

'I thought so.' She shimmered for a moment, before dropping the spell. The hint had been dropped.

'I see my reputation precedes me.' He shot her a murderous glare before he straightened himself again.

'It does. I know you best as the one that killed my father.' Tali had to suppress a sigh.

'_Oh, so you're one of _those_.'_

'I am Nathaniel Howe. My family owned these lands before you showed up. Do you even remember my father?'

To his surprise, her gaze almost softened at his words. Almost.

'Ah, so you're the arl's son. That explains a lot, and at the same time, not nearly enough.'

'My father served under the Hero of River Dane and fought against the Orlesians! Yet our family lost _everything_.' There was a broken edge to his voice as it faltered towards the end. He raised his head to hold her gaze again. 'I came here... I thought I was going to try to kill you. To lay a trap for you. But then I realized I just wanted to reclaim some of my family's things. It's all I have left.'

'Your family still has belongings here?' she refused to let him see how much she really understood him. He would not fail to prey upon any shown weakness.

'We used to live here, once upon a time. Father didn't take everything with him to Denerim.' He sighed, suddenly looking too tired to continue, but determined to anyhow.

'Look, I know you're a hero. You fought a war and you won. It's only fair that you get the spoils as well, but whatever my father did shouldn't harm my whole family. The Howes are pariahs now, those of us left.' he glanced at her, an accusation swirling in his eyes and hanging on his tongue. 'It's all thanks to you. And now you get to decide my fate. Ironic isn't it?'

Tali couldn't help but bark a laugh at that. Bitter and humorless.

'Yes, it is ironic.' She watched his face contort with confusion at her words, inwardly smirking at his reaction. 'Who am I to judge you, really? I've killed more people than I care to remember, some of which only wanted to fill their families' empty bellies. I regret those lives far more than you can imagine. Even you father's. Nothing I will say or do will convince you that, unlike the others, he had to die. Because he had to be stopped.' she sighed when she saw a flicker of rage in his eyes. 'I have destroyed so many lives, torn apart so many families, sometimes I wonder why am I still alive.' she looked up at him, hey eyes burning holes into his.

'But you Nathaniel Howe, have a chance to become ten times the man your father was. You have a chance to become the hero neither me nor your father was. Believe me when I say, you are innocent. So who am I to judge you?'

He opened his mouth to say something, but closed with a clamp when he realized he had nothing to say. Silence hung heavy between them as she held his eyes. At some point Nathaniel could swear _she_ was the one staring him down, despite being only half his size. They stood like that for long agonizing moments before the seneschal made his presence known.

'I see you've spoken to our guest. Quite the handful isn't he? Have you decided what to do with him?'

Tali backed out of the cell, turning to face Varel, a question in her eyes.

'Did you know this was Nathaniel Howe?'

The seneschal's eyes hardened with disdain. He glanced over her shoulder at the prisoner before looking back at her.

'A Howe? It figures they would turn up again. The Howes are implacable enemies Commander.'

She smiled sadly at that. She highly doubted that she would be in any danger from him now. Let him try. Better men have.

'Give him his family things, and let him go.'

There was a moment of silence in the room when she felt the eyes of everyone in the room burning holes into her. The next moment everyone was speaking at once. She smiled.

'Have ye lost yer sodding mind Warden?'

'But Commander, he could—'

'You're doing _what_?'

'Commander that's—I must object!' Varel's voice bellowed over them all. She silenced everyone with a raise of her hand before turning to answer the seneschal.

'This man is not his father Varel, he may yet prove to be the better man. These things belong to him. At worst he was trespassing.'

'Yes Commander.' he grudgingly agreed, signaling the guard to haul Nathaniel out of his cell. Once he was out, Tali stopped them.

'One more thing, if I may?' she gestured at Nathaniel's bruised torso. He blinked, confused, but made no move to stop her as she gently placed a glowing hand over his chest. He felt the constant pain of broken ribs he had grown used to ebb away as it was replaced by the sickening yet relieving feeling of his ribs repositioning and resealing themselves. It was over before he realized what was happening. Looking down at himself, the bruises and cuts were gone. Oghren grunted his disapproval as the guard shoved Nathaniel out of the basement. Unlike Tali, he didn't miss the icy glare he shot her over his shoulder.

'I hope you know what you're doing Commander.' Varel bowed and excused himself, leaving Tali smiling bitterly.

'I'm afraid I do Varel...'


	5. Guilt

_Tiny chapter. I feel bad. But I'm a romantic sap, and therefore I couldn't help writing a lover's quarrel. It just felt right to end it there! I might rewrite this.. when I get my brains together_ o.o  
_Anyways_,_ Thank you for your kind reviews, you know they make my day :) _

_Hugs,  
Yvanna_

* * *

Anders awoke to a throbbing, mindsearing headache, a burning throat, a churning stomach and the subtle sound of purring. He had no illusions that he would be able to open his eyes, if the needle like pain behind his eyeballs was any indication. It wasn't any worse than his worst hangover, give or take a few symptoms. He could also tell there was someone else in the room with him. There was a slight familiar tension in the air that only magical energy could produce; the air was thin, sizzling with power. Could it be...?

He breathed in deep, attempting to even out his erratic heartbeat but very nearly choked when a sweet exotic fragrance assaulted his nostrils; Jasmine.

'_It's her... She's here.'_

He opened his eyes just a slit, trying to prove to himself that he was not insane. No. He wasn't. She really was there, sitting at his feet, her back against the adjacent wall. Her hair had been undone, and was now falling over one shoulder rather alluringly. She held a very tiny, very orange something in her lap. She was also not in her robes anymore, which prompted him to widen his eyes. She was wearing a rather large linen shirt, that wasn't exactly very flattering on her small form, but fell down her shoulder enticingly and, Maker's breath, were those leather breeches? She sighed, not even bothering to look at him.

'Are you going to stare at me all day, or are you going to start asking?'

He stood up, not bothering to act it out, since his bluff had obviously been called. Indeed he had quite a few questions for her, but somehow he had a hunch she had no interest in indulging his personal curiosity.

'So, uh, I guess I should consider myself lucky to be alive... assuming I haven't jumped from the frying pan into the fire.' he chuckled, trying to keep the mood light. He watched as a pang of guilt stung her face, that lingering shade of sadness swam in her eyes again.

'_Epic failure Anders... Epic failure...'_

A sudden lump had formed in his throat at the sight and he forced it down, literally biting his tongue to prevent any other wise-arsed remark from leaving his lips. He cleared his throat, annoyed at how dry his mouth suddenly went, before deftly changing the subject.

'Er... You, mentioned answers?'

She looked up at him again, slightly less uncomfortable, but still frowning. It occurred to him that he didn't even know her name. Everyone else addressed her as 'Commander' or 'Warden'. Surely she would allow him at least that?

'How much do you know about Grey Wardens?' her voice glided through the air, leaving a pleasant tingling in his ears. He refused to believe those were goosebumps rising on his arms.

'Not much, only that they fight the darkspawn, end Blights, you know, hero stuff.'

She chuckled bitterly at that. Maker's breath did the woman not know how to laugh properly anymore?

'I see. I suppose you've had your first nightmare by now?'

'That was...?' he looked incredulous. 'Really? That's the scary nightmares everyone's been talking about?'

'That means you're lucky. Some are worse than others. You'll learn to block them out after a while. When they are especially violent, it's a clear sign that _something_ is going on. You'll also find that your physical limits have stretched; you heal faster, you don't need as much sleep as ordinary people, you might even be a tiny bit stronger and more agile now than you were before. After a while, you will be able to sense the darkspawn in your proximity. The range and accuracy of that ability all depends on how strong the taint is within you; the longer you've been a Warden, the better you get at it.' she paused, allowing him to take in the good news before she handed him his own life on a silver plate, as it were, and preparing herself for whatever his reaction would be.

'The downside of being a Warden... is that the taint is a death sentence. You've got thirty years to live, before the nightmares will return, worse than ever. Most Grey Wardens go into the Deep Roads to face their Calling, taking as many darkspawn down with them as they can. It's either that or... something worse than death.' She left aside the Archdemon slaying part. It was far too personal to tell him. She just wasn't ready. Not yet.

Anders' gaze never left her as she told him everything he needed to know, except what he wanted to know. He couldn't frankly say he was surprised. He knew as well as anyone else that darkspawn blood was poisonous, so there had to be a downside to surviving it.

Her eyes drifted downwards again, to the small orange bundle in her lap. She absent-mindedly scratched the tiny cat's neck, bracing herself for getting yelled at, or getting zapped, or Maker knows what else.

'_Ah, so that's where the purring came from.'_

'Well, I'm certainly not complaining, since it's either this or sitting in a cell, or hanged, considering what Rylock thought of me.'

Her eyes seemed to lighten at that, and a very small, but definitely genuine smile graced her lips. He had never seen anything more beautiful. Meanwhile, the kitten had scrambled its way out of her lap and was now shakily making its way towards Anders. He couldn't help but smile when he felt a raspy tongue running along his fingertips.

'He likes you.' she whispered softly. Anders chuckled, a deep rumbling noise that still managed to send shiver down her spine. _'Get a grip, Maker damn you!' _she chided herself.

'He reminds me of one of the mousers at the Tower.' he said fondly.

'Mr. Wiggums, right?' She smiled, everyone loved that cat.

'Yes.' his smile wavered. 'After the last escape attempt they put me in solitary confinement. That cat was the only living thing I saw for weeks. He sometimes came with all sorts of things hooked to his collar, even a small box of cookies once. I never quite figured how he managed to pull that one off. Too bad he had to get possessed. But he did take down about four templars; I was never so proud in my life.' he laughed.

'Prouder than when you stole Uldred's grimoire?' she prodded, not entirely realizing what she had said. The hand that was petting the kitten stopped abruptly, his smile vanishing altogether. Only a handful of people knew about that particular incident. He slowly raised his head to meet her eyes, only to find that color bled out of her face completely. _'Bluff called, Miss Mystery.'_

'And how might you know about that particular incident, my lady, as I don't recall you being part of it. Actually I don't recall you being at the Circle at the time. Or any other time for that matter.' he drawled out every word, wickedly enjoying seeing her squirm under his gaze, scrambling for the last pieces of her shattered mask.

After a long, gut wrenching silence, she closed her eyes, slumping back against the wall. She had no lies left to tell. Her eyelids rose, and she shyly met his own eyes, silently asking him to look at her. He eyes were no longer the cerulean blue he had gotten used to. Instead, they were the pale olive shade that haunted his every thought since that day in the courtyard. He stared, trying to piece it together.

'My name, is Tali Surana.' she whispered. 'I know because I was there. I saw you dragged into the basement the last time they caught you. I was there when you stole Uldred's grimoire. I took the blame.' gently she brushed away the shoulder of her tunic, revealing a burn mark at the juncture of her neck and shoulder.

Anders' eyed widened. Images flooded his mind; images of a concerned face watching him as he was dragged away by Rylock and her lackeys, of an elven girl screaming at Uldred that it was her fault, not Anders', the betrayed look in her eyes before he left on another one of his escape attempts... He tried to speak but found that his mouth went dry.

'Tali...? You—you're... you... I thought you were dead!' he barked at her. 'I thought you were dead and I thought it was my fault!' she winced at the broken edge of his voice. 'How could you... you didn't even do me the courtesy of letting me know?' She frowned at that, hopping out of the bed and staring down at him.

'I don't owe you anything Anders.' she stomped her way to the door, almost wrenching it out of its hinges, but stalling before she stepped out.

'For what it's worth, I'm sorry I lied to you.' She locked eyes with him one last time before closing the door behind her, unexpectedly softly.

Anders' mind was reeling.

'_How could she? How could she lie to me like that? Does she have any idea the guilt...'_

'_But she doesn't, does she? In all likelihood, she doesn't even know you're capable of feeling guilt. She thinks you're an opportunistic prick that will prey on every sodding chance to escape. Good job yelling at her for saving your sorry arse by the way.'_

'_Shut up..'_

A spark of lightning left his hands, hitting the opposite wall with a resounding cackle. Images of her standing in his doorway swam in front of his eyes. It was only now that she was gone that he realized how painful her absence actually was. He took a deep breath, and his heart swelled in his chest. The room still smelt of jasmine.


	6. Carelessness, Trust and Mercy

_So, Ill be gone for the weekend, so here's a longer one for ya! Jen, Lisa, there's something for you Nate fangirls too in there! :D As always a huge thank you for the people who review! Oh, and cookies for anyone who catches the movie reference in this chapter! I think I rather overcooked the combat scene in this one, but hey! I'm 14, this is fantasy, and the word 'epic' speaks volumes to me :D  
_

_Hugs,_  
_Yvanna_

* * *

'_They're new Wardens, they need to blow off steam. Relax, it's nothing personal.' _Tali repeated like a mantra in her mind, desperately trying to find something to drive her attention away from the fact that she had walked out of an argument with Anders. _Anders_. She had never _ever_ fought with Anders.

'_Of course you didn't. You were a lovesick puppy and you were too busy getting yourself up to your neck in trouble hoping that he would notice you to have time to ever argue with him.'_

She hoped the tension between them would ease somewhat overnight. After all, she _had _apologized, for her part. It was his turn to apologize to her for snapping at her. By the nonchalant smirk tossed her way at the breakfast table, that was definitely not the case.

'_So, that's how it'll be then? Fine, ser mage, if you're looking for a battle, you might have bitten off a bit more than you can chew.'_

She had read through the two envelopes handed to her the previous day at the breakfast table. One of them addressed a personal matter; a nobleman's daughter had been kidnapped and the bandits were asking a ransom for her. The other however, was reporting darkspawn sightings near an estate no farther than a few hours' walk from Vigil's Keep. They were Grey Wardens. The darkspawn issue took priority.

'Looks like we have our first assignment.' she quipped handing the other two Wardens the letter and peeling herself off the seat. 'Be ready in an hour.' she announced in a formal tone, but mirroring Oghren's wry grin. 'We're moving out.'

'About sodding time we saw some action!'

Tali couldn't agree more. She felt almost giddy at the thought of a good skirmish and was unusually optimistic about the day.

'_Two can play that game, ser mage.'_

Anders was painfully aware of the fact that he had been gaping throughout the whole ordeal. How come she was so cheerful today, when he could swear she would have burned him to a crisp no longer than yesterday. She looked positively radiant, and almost sinfully gorgeous with her hair pinned up like that.

'_Easy, you're still mad at her, remember?'_

'_Yeah, good luck with staying that way.'_

* * *

Rain, mud and rain. Anders hated his job more and more with every hour he was forced to spend on the road. As if the frigid weather of the Amaranthine autumn wasn't enough, being forced to spend these hours in _her_ company was even worse. He had expected her to glare, to growl and snap at him like she used to. No such luck. As it were, she settled for smiling at him every time she caught his eye.

'_She's smiling. Bloody smiling!'_

Of course, not one of these smiles was genuine. Polite, yes, even kind one might say, but he knew better. She was fighting dirty. She knew better than to start bickering with him, so she turned to other ways. Her smiles were hatred coated in sugar. A civil charade built over the poisonous words that were hanging on her tongue. If they were alone, Maker knows she would be glaring daggers at him. She would be tearing apart each and every word that fell from his lips.

Instead, she smiled. And she was humming. Damn her. Damn her for looking so bloody innocent when she smiled! Damn her for not reacting to a bloody thing he tried to taunt her with and damn her for knowing what it did to him all too well!

Anders sighed. It was no use getting all worked up like this really. There was nothing he could do. She expected him to apologize, but he'd be damned if he'd back down that easily. He had his pride after all.

The humming stopped abruptly as they moved downhill. A few hundred yards further, a windmill obstructed their view of the valley below. The smile had faded altogether from Tali's face and by the time he had caught up with her he could see why.

Without a moment's warning, his blood began to swirl violently in his veins, as if struggling to get out. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end as a sickening feeling of dread clawed at the back of his mind, making his stomach churn.

'What in the Maker's name...'

'Darkspawn.' Tali barked. The air around her shimmered as she built up her defenses and magical barriers, sprinting downhill before either of them gathered their wits enough to register what she said.

The estate was actually no more than a few fields and a group of farmhouses. Perfectly normal, barring that the fields were overrun with genlocks that were busily gnawing on what looked like human limbs, from a distance, and hurlocks stood with their bows drawn, and oh, let's not forget the Ogre towering ever them all. Idyllic really.

Before Anders could really catch on to what was happening, he spotted Tali running straight towards the first group of genlocks, both her staff and longsword drawn. His jaw slacked at the image. Sure, he'd seen her fight with magic, but never like _that._

He noticed that her robes had been slit at the sides, allowing her more movement during battle. Her stance was a low crouch, with her staff tucked underneath her arm, ready to lash out at anything that came within its reach. The longsword was held awkwardly, somehow acting as a shield for her forearm. The blade itself was unusual, but he had seen its like before; forged by the elves.

He caught a glimpse of a rather confident smirk as the creatures closed in on her. Energy bubbled around her and then lashed out in a nova, giving her enemies pause enough for her to dispatch most of them in a graceful spin.

Reason took a back seat to instinct when, as he watched his Commander dance through the horde with blades and spells alike, Anders aimed his staff at a genlock whose daggers were too close to her shoulder blades for his liking. A boulder materialized from the end of his staff, drawing speed from inertia before crushing the genlock's body to the nearest stone wall with a sickening crunch. Tali turned, mildly confused. Where in a moment lacking focus on her part, the creature that had crept up behind her would have ended her life, there was only a stain of blood on the wall left. She looked up, her eyes locking with Anders' as she flashed him a wide grin that spelled madness with every inch.

Oghren seemed to have the time of his life hacking away at a few archers who were unlucky enough to find themselves on the receiving end of his axe.

'_At least someone's having fun.'_

'_It's just your luck that you get stuck with watching out for a commander with a deathwish, isn't it?'_

'_This day just gets better and better.' _he thought bitterly. Someone was up for a serious tongue lashing when this was over.

Only the ogre was left now, and Oghren seemed content to sit back and watch. Anders shot him a scandalized look.

'What? Ya think she can't handle _that_?' he bellowed out a drunken laugh. It seemed the dwarf was a better fighter drunk than sober. 'Just watch and learn sparkle-fingers.' he quipped, taking another swing of that obnoxious brew of his.

The ogre reared, bending at the waist, horns thrust forward, attempting to ram them into the tiny form in front of it. Anders held his breath and, without thinking, aimed his staff at her. A green aura enveloped her, projecting an unusual pattern on the ground beneath her feet. Too late had he noticed that the nimble elf rolled out of the hulking creature's way, somehow managing _not_ to impale herself on her own sword in the process.

Entirely missing its target, the ogre roared furiously, ramming its fists onto its chest in a feral display of authority. From the corner of his eye, Anders saw something flash from the woods, moments before the beast shrieked in pain clutching at the arrow lodged in its eye.

Seizing the opportunity, Tali didn't even bother to wonder where the mysterious arrow had come from. She dug her heels into the dirt, breaking into a sprint towards the massive, twisting body in front of her and ramming her sword and one end of her staff into its lower abdomen. Using them as leverage, she climbed her way up the creature's body, narrowly avoiding the talons that tried to grasp at her. Hooking her legs firmly around its shoulders she plunged the sword into its skull, twisting it several times for good measure as it crumpled down limply.

Anders released a breath he hadn't even known he'd been holding as he watched her jump off the blasted thing's corpse. He was a few breaths away from marching over to her and pulling her into his arms; argument or no. She was fatigued, covered from head to toe in darkspawn blood and gore, but _alive_. It was the '_alive'_ part that surprised him the most, really. She sauntered over to him positively beaming with excitement.

'So, anyone who else needs a good arse kicking?' The look of utter shock on Anders' face was worth doing that little scheme ten times over. To say that she was proud of herself was putting it mildly. Oghren slapped his knee and doubled over in laughter.

'I don't know who's worse off, that beastie you just killed or sparkle-fingers here. What's the matter lad? Someone finally cut out that wise arsed tongue of yours?'

Anders took a moment to recover; he couldn't care less what the dwarf said about him. Right now, Tali stood in front of him, in all her blood dyed glory. It was hard to tell if it was her blood or darkspawn blood, which meant he would have to check her for injuries; thoroughly. He grinned at the idea. Oh, the indignity!

The Commander simply grinned back at him and sent Oghren a conniving look, who then marched away mumbling something about 'nughumpers' and 'devious mages'. Once he was gone, Tali simply turned around, swiping her hair away from her back and over her shoulder, revealing three parallel claw marks. Anders' brow furrowed.

'When did that happen?'

'I was careless.' she said simply, as if she were talking about the sodding weather.

'Oh really, I didn't notice.' he spat sarcastically. She didn't even turn to face him.

He bit back anything else he had to say as his hands began to glow. Tali closed her eyes as he felt the cool tendrils of healing magic sweep across her back and knit her skin back together, ebbing away any residual pain. She suppressed a shudder at the warm tingle it left behind as it retreated. She turned around, a relieved expression on her face.

'Thank you' she breathed as she twisted her head back into its usual knot, pinning it up with a straight twig.

Now that the adrenaline wore off, she seemed to shrink, visibly. She seemed weary, exhausted even. His arms itched to wrap themselves around her, to provide some measure of comfort, but his bloody ego wouldn't allow it. Instead, he stared, trying to decipher even half of what he saw in her eyes. He found that, if he stared long enough, he could see through the illusion. He could see her true colors, and loose himself in them.

'Ey Commader!' Oghren's gruff voice tore their gaze from each other's. 'Look what I caught!'

The tall silhouette of a man was being pushed from the shadows of a nearby barn towards them, hands raised in defeat. The blunt end of Oghren's axe came down behind the man's legs, forcing him to fall to his knees. She recognized the dark mane of braided hair even before steely grey eyes rose to meet hers.

'A sparrow who never seems to fly far enough.'

'Don't look now, but I think it just came flying back.' Ander snorted,

'Shut up, both of you!' Tali shouted, helping Nathaniel to his feet with one hand, but drawing a small dirk from her belt with the other, only just flashing it to him.

'Wait, I just want to talk to you.' He raised his hands; a peace offering.

'Careful, this one might just go all Zevran on you.' Oghren grunted. Tali smiled, remembering the way she had met Zevran, who had ended up being one of her best friends.

'You set me free, just let me go, despite what I said or what I might do. I want to know why.' his voice pleaded with her as his eyes screamed for answers and understanding.

'I already told you why.' He looked disappointed, but nodded nevertheless.

'I see.' He was silent for a moment, turning his eyes away, deep in thought, before returning his gaze to her, resolve glinting in his eyes.

'I have nothing else left, nowhere else to go. Make me a Grey Warden. Let me right the wrongs my father did.' She blinked at that, looking surprised for a moment, before her shoulders sagged.

'How would I know I can trust you?'

'Maybe you shouldn't.' she could swear she saw pain flashing in his eyes. A very familiar kind of pain; regret. 'I just have to do _something_. I have to try.'

'You think this will redeem your family name do you?' she asked softly, understanding seeping into her voice.

'I don't know. Maybe that's not even important; maybe what's important is that I do my part in facing the darkspawn. Maybe that's what my father should have done.'

'It's not that easy Nathaniel.' she sighed, breaking her gaze and glancing down at her boots. 'There are risks that—' she was cut off by the sound of magic flaring next to her and a guttural grunt from her dwarven companion, as well as the feel of trembling hands placed over her shoulders. She looked up, cerulean blue meeting stormy grey in an unspoken understanding.

'Make me a Grey Warden.' he whispered. '_Please.' _ The sincerity of his words had almost undone her. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath to steady herself. When she next opened them, resolve shone in them as bright as any star. She nodded silently, her hand covering his on her shoulder, only slightly soothed by the relief in Nathaniel's eyes.

Anders couldn't help the sneer that crept on his face as he watched them. He didn't like the way he looked at her one bit. Like a wide-eyed homeless puppy looking for someone stupid enough to take him in, before he turned on the very hand that fed him. Bloody nauseating.

'In your future I sense a knife in the back. Just saying.' he sneered at her. Tali simply sighed and turned to him, gently taking his arm and leading him away from the others. Her fingers briefly brushed his exposed skin, and he felt his muscles ripple beneath his skin, sending shivers down his spine that, try as he might, were completely out of his control. He blamed it on the cold and his damp robes. He refused to believe a single touch could affect him so.

She looked up at him, her eyes pleading with him to understand.

'Why don't you trust me? At least this once?'

'Oh I don't know, maybe because you have the uncanny ability of shoving yourself in death's face whenever the occasion presents itself?' he snapped at her, mentally kicking himself when he saw her wince under his gaze.

'I know what I'm doing Anders, please.' her tone remained pleading. He had no doubt that she would get it her way whatever he said. Right. The illusion of choice. He nodded numbly and before he had realized what he had done, she beamed up at him, skittering away towards Nathaniel and motioning them to move out.

Anders and Oghren were left behind as Tali led, Nathaniel keeping up pace with her. Anders could do nothing but glare holes in their back as they both seemed to have the time of their life together, laughing and joking as if he wasn't the same man that tried to kill here mere days ago. Marvelous really.

'What's the matter, sparkle-fingers? Can't handle a little competition?' Oghren waggled his eyebrows at him suggestively. Anders didn't know which was worse; that Tali was there in the arms of a potential murderer, or that he was reduced to being laughed over by a constantly drunk, flatulent mountain of belches.

'_Better and better indeed...'_


End file.
